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October 2008



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Oct. 14th, 2008


Just some letters..

Dear body,
I hate you! Why do you have to be so fat and thwart every attempt I've had at being happy. I've treated you well. I try so hard not to put crap into you. I eat healthy with an occasional snack. I been exercising constantly because of rugby. I stopped smoking so that you would work better. And how do you repay me? by gaining this weight and making me look like shit! Why are you punishing me? I won't throw up anymore. I'm never going to find another boyfriend if you are fat. No one likes a fat girl. Hell i can't even keep a fuck buddy because you are fat. Please I'll start going to the gym every day if you at least try!

Please stop sucking

Dear Life,
 Stop sucking so much. Stop kicking me when I'm down. After what you've put me through the last year, I think I deserve a little bit of slack, maybe even a nice boy. Oh please a nice boy and not one that just wants me for my body or because I'm "hott". Or one that at least calls after we hook up. Because if they don't then, I feel like shit again. Rich doesn't want me, James doesn't want me. What can i do to rectify this situation? And what is up with this me sucking at school situation? I study, I go to class, i take great notes? What the hell are you trying to do to me? If you are trying to break me, You already have. I surrender. I'm done caring about everything, because nothing every cares back. Fuck you!


Jul. 13th, 2008


Haven't written in awhile

I need to stop. This is getting really bad. I hate eating lunch at camp because I get yelled at for everything I eat. Weight watchers anything is a que for people to say how skinny I am and that I don't need to diet. I know i don't need to, i just don't want to gain all the weight that I lost playing rugby back. I will die before I'm fat again. Sanin is constantly trying to make me eat, even when I tell him I'm not hungry. He says I'm too skinny and every time I mention not eating, he slaps my thigh and tells me that If  I have an eating disorder because of HIM, that he's going to go upstate and beat HIM within an inch of his life. 

We got the WiiFit a couple of days ago and it's an amazing contraption, it calculates my BMI and all that jazz. According to it, I am 103 lbs SQUEEEE. One good things about that is that i look really good in a bathing suit, scarecrow hips and all. I'd be perfect if that nasty scar on my belly button would go away. I've got all sorts of cute rings for it once it heals....

I can't wait to be back at school with Courtney. As much as I like the other girls I'm living with, I have a feeling it's just going to be us this year. I'm going to miss Mandy so much. I really doubt I'm going to see Kristyana a whole lot because neither of them drive and we're a long ways apart. I'm terrified of being alone. At least if I have one person, I won;t be afraid to go out and meet people ( maybe a boy).

Apr. 15th, 2008


My tummy is grumbling...

I gained a fucking pound. The scale this morning, the fact that i feel like DEATH and that I haven't slept with Rich in a week really puts me in a bad mood. After all the calories I burned on Saturday, I manage to gain a fucking pound. I am officially no longer drinking beer, too many calories. I don't get it tho, after Brie made me drink I threw up everything in my stomach, which was basically all I had eaten that day besides the quarter of a bagel with egg and cheese. Why did I gain weight?

I'm putting my self on a strict sushi, seafood and salad diet until i lose this fucking pound. I hate going to dinner with Kristyana. Last night I had a grilled cheese on wheat bread and a salad for dinner. I put the dressing in a little cup and put my fork in before taking salad because you still get the taste, but less calories, a trick that I learned from my mom. And they ask me why I do it and I say less calories, and they make some snotty comment. Why did you start caring? they say. When did this happen? It happened when I realized that people don't like fat people, When Rich mentioned the model he fucked, when I lost weight and people kept commenting on how good I looked. I'm sorry I care about what I look like, about how healthy my body is, that I have a life more than drinking and smoking!.  It makes me so god damn angry when they say shit like that. I'm sorry I don't want to be a fat, ugly lump. Ug

Apr. 11th, 2008



UGGG I feel so fat right now. I've been so busy I haven't been caring what I've been eating and gained a pound despite outdoor practice and the gym. I had a hamburger last night and I could feel it in my stomach all night and tonight even tho I had a large salad and piece of baked fish, I feel so fat. So tomorrow I'm going to have something 100 calories and not eat until right before we go to the bar so I can save my calories for the day for drinking. I am going to go to the gym Sunday if I can get out of bed.  I'm really going to bust my ass tomorrow so I can burn all this fat off and not have to worry about it anymore. Fat Fat Fat Fat Fat

Mar. 22nd, 2008


Painting Easter Eggs

I feel a little better today. Yesterday night was fun except for Rich having coke. I sat on his lap and just looked at him with tears in my eyes and he just kept telling me not to judge him. Why doesn't he fucking understand that I'm not, I'm worried as hell because I've seen what that shit can do. I don't want him to end up like Krystal or Joe. And to make it worse, Kristy and Adriana support him. They kept saying " It's not that bad, he hasn't done it in two months. That's a lot"  Yeah A lot if you are an addict. In response I drank far beyond when I knew I should stop and spent all yesterday morning throwing up, which was theraputic.

Despite the fact my stomach felt like shit, I felt like it was justified when I stepped on the scale and saw 108. I felt good. Rich and I stayed in last night and had chinese, which was really good, especially after i  stepped on the scale this morning and I weigh 109, which is awesome especially after eating chinese food which makes me bloaty and gain alot of water weight.

I don't know what I am going to do tonight. I just want to drink alot and pass out somewhere, but still be alive enough to cook tommorrow. I have no one to drink with since Kristyana went home and I know Crystal and Court will be too busy with their work to even drink a little. Rich hates going out with me, because then he feels like he has to watch me, which he doesn't. Maybe I'll go drink with Anthony tonight, go down to the bar and try to forget yesterday night.

Mar. 19th, 2008


There is something wrong with me...

Ug I ate too much. I should have just stuck to the soup. Never should have ate that sandwich, It had mayo on it and I should have known. I feel so fat. I've been trying to eat more healthy but I still worry about every single thing I put in my mouth , and although I don't go it on the regular basis, i still throw up if I don't go to bed at 112 pounds.

I don't know why I became so neurotic about this. I never cared this much about how I weighed before. Even when I was 15 pounds heavier, I never cared what I ate, or purged if I thought I ate too much. I hate that my boyfriend makes fat jokes and plays with my belly. I don't want him anywhere near it, because that makes me concentrate more on it and hate it even more than I already do. I hate watching my friends eat whatever they want while I eat healthy food struggling to keep the body I have while trying to get rid of all the parts I hate. Why do I believe that no one will like me if I'm not thin and meanwhile it seems like everyone else doesn't even think about it. I drive myself fucking crazy over it.

I debate all during class about what I can and can't eat. Cheese is a big no no as is Mayo, and any creamy salad dressing. Or recently any dressing for that matter. Sweets do not exist to me and more than 100 calories at breakfast is heinous. I only have one vice and that is Peanut Butter Captain Crunch.

Why am I so damn crazy